September282014

ONE MAN’S VIEW – A ‘EUREKA’ MOMENT

I woke up screaming “EUREKA!” in the middle of last night, because in my sleep I had discovered the perfect solution to an international problem.

It goes like this: -

I understand that in certain parts of the US there are excellent private woodland and mountain training camps for those who tend towards having deeply red necks and a patriotic wish to defend their country against all real or imagined threats, including muskrats and certain politicians.

Furthermore, there is a massive gun lobby in the country, which is apparently well trained in the use of fire-arms. Altogether, it’s estimated that there are well in excess of five million such persons who are itching to blast the living fuck out of something other than their usual quarry of artificial targets, occasional criminal ‘runners’, innocent civilians in shopping malls or schools and the odd politician.

In addition, there are seemingly many thousands of really brave ‘hunters’ of many nationalities who currently travel the world with high-powered rifles and whose aim is to find even more innocent wildlife alongside which they may pose for photographs once they’ve been shot from a safe distance and their victim is accordingly harmless.

Perhaps regrettably, the latter group does not tend to shoot politicians.

Notwithstanding, let us invite ALL of the above groups to present themselves, with their fowling pieces, rifles and other civilian ordnance, at some massive Texan air-base for parachute training.

Then, and once trained, let us provide them with boots and quantities of ammunition appropriate to their fowling pieces etc., before dropping them onto identified terrorist targets wherever they are in the world, with orders to shoot every living thing they can find and take photographs if they feel so inclined.

With luck, utilisation of such a force will result in a severe depletion of personnel on both sides, thus ridding the world of some very nasty aromas.

Sensible suggestions for acronymic titles of the force are invited.

Quad erat demonstrandum ……..

September262014
dogthing2:

HAPPY MOMMY HAPPY BABIES

dogthing2:

HAPPY MOMMY HAPPY BABIES

(Source: lavagoth, via saint-nicotine)

10AM

GOD’S CONVERSATION WITH ADAM

And lo, it came to pass that God said unto Adam, “Adam, I want you to do something for me.”

Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?”

God said unto Adam, “Go down into that valley.”

Adam said, “What’s a valley?”

God explained it to him. Then God said, “Cross the river.”

Adam said, “What’s a river?”

God explained that to him, and then said, “Go over to the hill….”

Adam said, “What is a hill?”

So God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.”

Adam said, “What’s a cave?”

After God explained, He said, “In the cave you will find a woman.”

Adam said, “What’s a woman?”

So God explained that to him, too. Then God said, “I want you to 
reproduce.”

Adam said, “How do I do that?”

God first said (under his breath), “Geez ….. why do I bother!”

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it now?”

And Adam said ……

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(wait for it …… )

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"What’s a migraine?"

(There you are then - aren’t you glad you waited? The oldies are always the best!)

September252014

IT’S ESSENTIAL TO HAVE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE



It was not until Thursday night that the accident victim gradually came to in the hospital’s Intensive Care Unit …

He felt as stiff as a board and was in severe pain, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, with wires monitoring every function. He realised he must have been in a very serious accident.

A gorgeous nurse was hovering near his bed. She smiled when she saw he had regained consciousness and looked him straight in the eyes. Then he heard her say in a husky voice,

“You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

He somehow managed to mumble in reply,

“Can I just feel your tits, then?”

September192014

ONE MAN’S VIEW


My immediate reaction is one of quiet relief that the UK will not be broken up.

I feel no sense of triumphalism or urge to condemn – just quiet relief.

No doubt that’ll change once it all sinks in properly but in the meantime, and having delivered my son and his girl-friend safely to Gatwick on their way to Florida early this morning, I’m off back to the DDD field and a load of loud music for two days at Wingmore … …

September182014

ONE MAN’S VIEW - A MESSAGE FROM THE HEART OF ME

I may have been at boarding school in England but I spent the larger part of my upbringing in Scotland - first in Edinburgh then in the Western Islands and finally in the Western Highlands.

It’s the country where I had my first proper job on the Forestry Commission and it’s where my second one took me to work in both Edinburgh and Glasgow.

Although I also love and now live in England, Scotland’s where I go whenever I can find the excuse (and with a youngest daughter up at Edinburgh University, that’s a no-brainer at the moment!)

Irrespective of my choice about the referendum, and because I love you so very deeply, I say this truly from the heart: -

Good luck Scotland, whichever way you vote. Set aside for ever any animosity which may have arisen between you and others as a result of the many lies, half-truths and misleading statements which have been propagated over the last months by politicians and others on both sides.  

Make no complaints, abandon acrimony and foster no recriminations.

Most of all, please will you welcome with a wholly open mind whatever the result may turn out to be - for it will have been your choice as a country and I wish you well for the strength of it.

September172014

SUPERMARKET SCAM - PLEASE BE WARNED



Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever ‘Eastern
European’ scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into  a local Sainsbury’s or other supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.

Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.    Here’s how the scam works:-

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start   cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they’ll say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco’s.  You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked.

Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I have had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On August 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.

September162014

OLD AGE

Ted and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

 One day Ted didn’t show up.  Sam didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.  But after Ted hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.  However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Ted lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

 A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Ted, but one day, Sam approached the park and - lo and behold! - there sat Ted!

 Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.  Then he asked him,

“For crying out loud Ted, what in the world happened to you?”

 Ted replied, “I’ve been in jail.”

 “Jail” cried Sam.  “What in the world for?”

 “Well” Ted said, “you know Cindy, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?”

“Yeah,” said Sam, I remember her.  What about her?”

“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud when I got into court, I pleaded ‘Guilty’ and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury.”

September152014

ONE MAN’S VIEW

Ignorance is rarely the fault of the ignorant, so much as it is of those who failed in a duty to properly teach them.

6AM

IRISH FIRE INSURANCE

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year.

When they arrived in Cork, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg in Ireland.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, ‘39 euros.’

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, when it cost him £2000.00 in England.

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, ‘Well, here it is on the screen, it says: -

'Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is 39 euros.'

I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.

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