September192014

ONE MAN’S VIEW


My immediate reaction is one of quiet relief that the UK will not be broken up.

I feel no sense of triumphalism or urge to condemn – just quiet relief.

No doubt that’ll change once it all sinks in properly but in the meantime, and having delivered my son and his girl-friend safely to Gatwick on their way to Florida early this morning, I’m off back to the DDD field and a load of loud music for two days at Wingmore … …

September182014

ONE MAN’S VIEW - A MESSAGE FROM THE HEART OF ME

I may have been at boarding school in England but I spent the larger part of my upbringing in Scotland - first in Edinburgh then in the Western Islands and finally in the Western Highlands.

It’s the country where I had my first proper job on the Forestry Commission and it’s where my second one took me to work in both Edinburgh and Glasgow.

Although I also love and now live in England, Scotland’s where I go whenever I can find the excuse (and with a youngest daughter up at Edinburgh University, that’s a no-brainer at the moment!)

Irrespective of my choice about the referendum, and because I love you so very deeply, I say this truly from the heart: -

Good luck Scotland, whichever way you vote. Set aside for ever any animosity which may have arisen between you and others as a result of the many lies, half-truths and misleading statements which have been propagated over the last months by politicians and others on both sides.  

Make no complaints, abandon acrimony and foster no recriminations.

Most of all, please will you welcome with a wholly open mind whatever the result may turn out to be - for it will have been your choice as a country and I wish you well for the strength of it.

September172014

SUPERMARKET SCAM - PLEASE BE WARNED



Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever ‘Eastern
European’ scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into  a local Sainsbury’s or other supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.

Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.    Here’s how the scam works:-

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start   cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they’ll say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco’s.  You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked.

Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I have had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On August 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.

September162014

OLD AGE

Ted and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

 One day Ted didn’t show up.  Sam didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.  But after Ted hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.  However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Ted lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

 A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Ted, but one day, Sam approached the park and - lo and behold! - there sat Ted!

 Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.  Then he asked him,

“For crying out loud Ted, what in the world happened to you?”

 Ted replied, “I’ve been in jail.”

 “Jail” cried Sam.  “What in the world for?”

 “Well” Ted said, “you know Cindy, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?”

“Yeah,” said Sam, I remember her.  What about her?”

“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud when I got into court, I pleaded ‘Guilty’ and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury.”

September152014

ONE MAN’S VIEW

Ignorance is rarely the fault of the ignorant, so much as it is of those who failed in a duty to properly teach them.

6AM

IRISH FIRE INSURANCE

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year.

When they arrived in Cork, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg in Ireland.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, ‘39 euros.’

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, when it cost him £2000.00 in England.

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, ‘Well, here it is on the screen, it says: -

'Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is 39 euros.'

I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.

September122014

SCOUSER MAGIC



A Romanian and a Liverpool guy go into a pastry shop. 

The Romanian whisks three cakes into his pocket with lightning speed. 
The baker doesn’t notice. 

The Romanian says to the Scouser,

"You see how clever we are? You Scousers can never beat that!"

The Scouser says to the Romanian,

"Watch dis, any Scouser is smarter dan you, and I’ll prove it to ya."

He says to the baker,

"Gimme a cake, I’ll show ya a magic trick!" 

The baker gives him the cake, which the Scouser promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker,

"Gimme anudder cake for me magic trick." 

The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again,

"Gimme one more cake…”

The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. The Scouser eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells,

"OK… And now where is your famous magic trick?"

The Scouser says, “Now look in the Romanian’s pocket ……”

10AM

ONE MAN’S VIEW

"Oscar Pistorius has been found GUILTY of culpable homicide."

So reads a headline in The Indy.

My reaction to that is “So What?”

Similar to my view some years ago on the O.J.Simpson trial, I suspect we have mightier matters to contemplate in this country at the moment than to dwell on murder or manslaughter committed by a handicapped ex athlete in someone else’s country at the other end of the world.

6AM

SCOUSE MAGIC

A Romanian and a Liverpool guy go into a pastry shop. 

The Romanian whisks three cakes into his pocket with lightning speed. 
The baker doesn’t notice. 

The Romanian says to the Scouser,
"You see how clever we are? You Scousers can never beat that!"

The Scouser says to the Romanian,
"Watch dis, any Scouser is smarter dan you, and I’ll prove it to ya."

He says to the baker,
"Gimme a cake, I’ll show ya a magic trick!" 

The baker gives him the cake, 
which the Scouser promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker,
"Gimme anudder cake for me magic trick." 

The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again,
"Gimme one more cake…”
The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway.  The Scouser eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells,
"OK… And now where is your famous magic trick?"

The Scouser says, “Now look in the Romanian’s pocket!”
September112014

HOW TO PISS OFF EVERYONE (Sent in from the north of England with the accompanying note, “No favourites here mate.”)

I’d just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich,large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’
I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power.’

A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunchtime. She said ‘sorry about the wait’. I said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it eventually’.

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’ I said, ‘Nope, you’re still black’.

A Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, ‘Not with a face like that, you’re not.’

A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks ‘What’s wrong, lad?’ The boy says ‘Me ma died this morning.’
'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?'
The boy replies, ‘No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on me mind at the moment.’

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself, “I’m going to snatch that.’

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back, “You’re in a basket dumb-shit.”

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair?
Fiji was the correct answer. Hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Blacks” and “Mexicans” were NOT the correct answers.
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It seems that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing EVERYone off is a piece of cake.
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